It's hard.
I tried.
So first, you need to grow fur. Unless you're one of those hairless asian cats, but those things are almost as freaky as spiders.....so you're not allowed to be that. Sorry. Now, if you want to be a quality cat you're gonna need to grow a lot of fur. Make sure that it's long, fluffy (no matts!!!!!) and super soft. You also don't want to shed. So if you feel the need to drop some fur, stop feeling that need and hold it in. I mean, honestly, no matter how fluffy and adorable and cuddly and amazing and kittenish and purr-fect (yes, I did just go there) you look, no one will want to hold you if you're going to give them a new and quite unexpected sweater.
Now that you have fur, you will need to get to an appropriate size because your current [insert feet] foot [insert inches] and [insert weight] pounds of you just isn't natural for cats. I'm sorry, it's just not. It'd be really frightening, actually. Unless, of course, you want to be a lion or a tiger, but that's a whole different guide. So just think and dream small and cute thoughts for about 34 hours straight andBAM! You'll be the smallest and cutest cat out there.*
So after all of that hard work trying to transform your physical appearance, you want some well-earned R&R, right? WRONG. Now's the part where you must be the cat. That means working on your four-legged swag and owning that cat walk (oops, I did it again**), getting your kitten meow down to a science, and being able to find the warmest spot in the house at a moments notice in the dead of night. For the cat language, catlatin, it is recommended that you sign up for the boot camp in Spain run by Señor Puss in Boots. Okay, not really, that was a joke because he actually can't speak catlatin. He's a fake. Although, he was quite talented in the cute classes they also offer. BACK ON TOPIC NOW. The camp runs for 6 weeks, but classes are for only an hour each day because you'll be sleeping twenty hours out of every twenty-four hour day, and you'll be needing your spare time being awake to bathe yourself obsessively.....because.....it's......that's just what cats do.
Once you've graduated from your 6 week house-cat boot camp, you'll be sent to the battle field--or family (they're the same thing). You'll spend your life with one family, if you're lucky. If you aren't, you could end up in the pound or another owners home. Just for the sake of not typing all the possibilities, let's say you get to live with a solid family that spoils you silly.
That's it.
You get to live in a house with nasty food and a grody box as your toilet....Have fun during your 9 lives and enjoy these photos of your new kinfolk.
I had way too much fun finding those pictures.
*No promises
** Major props to you if you sang that in your head with Britney's voice
I tried.
So first, you need to grow fur. Unless you're one of those hairless asian cats, but those things are almost as freaky as spiders.....so you're not allowed to be that. Sorry. Now, if you want to be a quality cat you're gonna need to grow a lot of fur. Make sure that it's long, fluffy (no matts!!!!!) and super soft. You also don't want to shed. So if you feel the need to drop some fur, stop feeling that need and hold it in. I mean, honestly, no matter how fluffy and adorable and cuddly and amazing and kittenish and purr-fect (yes, I did just go there) you look, no one will want to hold you if you're going to give them a new and quite unexpected sweater.
Now that you have fur, you will need to get to an appropriate size because your current [insert feet] foot [insert inches] and [insert weight] pounds of you just isn't natural for cats. I'm sorry, it's just not. It'd be really frightening, actually. Unless, of course, you want to be a lion or a tiger, but that's a whole different guide. So just think and dream small and cute thoughts for about 34 hours straight andBAM! You'll be the smallest and cutest cat out there.*
So after all of that hard work trying to transform your physical appearance, you want some well-earned R&R, right? WRONG. Now's the part where you must be the cat. That means working on your four-legged swag and owning that cat walk (oops, I did it again**), getting your kitten meow down to a science, and being able to find the warmest spot in the house at a moments notice in the dead of night. For the cat language, catlatin, it is recommended that you sign up for the boot camp in Spain run by Señor Puss in Boots. Okay, not really, that was a joke because he actually can't speak catlatin. He's a fake. Although, he was quite talented in the cute classes they also offer. BACK ON TOPIC NOW. The camp runs for 6 weeks, but classes are for only an hour each day because you'll be sleeping twenty hours out of every twenty-four hour day, and you'll be needing your spare time being awake to bathe yourself obsessively.....because.....it's......that's just what cats do.
Once you've graduated from your 6 week house-cat boot camp, you'll be sent to the battle field--or family (they're the same thing). You'll spend your life with one family, if you're lucky. If you aren't, you could end up in the pound or another owners home. Just for the sake of not typing all the possibilities, let's say you get to live with a solid family that spoils you silly.
That's it.
You get to live in a house with nasty food and a grody box as your toilet....Have fun during your 9 lives and enjoy these photos of your new kinfolk.
I had way too much fun finding those pictures.
*No promises
** Major props to you if you sang that in your head with Britney's voice
